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  • Writer's pictureGary Adrian Randall

Five Ways Donald Trump is Just Joe Exotic in Hetero Drag

The Trump administration has basically turned this country into an episode of Tiger King. Spoiler Alert: We are the tigers.

Just like every other person who pauses so long at a car crash that they create one of their own, I binge-watched Tiger King in one sitting.

Being both gay, and from North Florida, I felt right at home with sequin shirts, bleached mullets, guns, teeth so scarce they resemble American election security, and an overwhelming preponderance of meth that nobody ever openly talks about.

Tiger King is the definition of Good TV, in our meme-culture that turns every-day wannabe murderers, rapists, and animal abusers into global celebrities and presidents. It's fun to watch on TV, until we realize that the point of crazy reality shows like this are to distract us from the fact that we are living in one.

Thus, it occurred to me, that Donald Trump is basically just Joe Exotic in Hetero Drag. Here is my thesis:

1. Donald Trump and Joe Exotic are basically the same person. They are both two-bit belligerent con-artist fame-whores with skin the texture of a Pueblo, Colorado mountain road and haircuts that deserve a grand marshal in front of the United States Supreme Court for crimes against humanity.

They both run a zoo, are terrified of the animals they are keeping captive, and are willing to kill those animals and feed them to each other, in order to keep the zoo open and the meth money flowing. Yes, I did just say we are all animals in Trump's zoo, being held captive. Don't like it? Register to vote!

2. They both have sneaky business partners. Trump and Joe Exotic both got into business with partners that recognized how stupid they were, and took advantage of that. I'm not saying that you should never trust a man whose face looks like a melting pile of play dough, but Jeff Lowe and Vladimir Putin look like two scoops of mashed potatoes with evil White Walker eyes. So, science?

3. They both hate women that are smarter than them. Say what you will about Carole Fuckin Baskin, but Joe tried to take her down, and he lost worse than Bloomberg, when Elizabeth Warren sliced off his ass and handed it to him on a silver platter during the Democatic debates.

Trump tried to take on Hilary, and he is still trying. Six years later. I don't feel like googling the term 'winning' right now, but I'm pretty sure that the 20,000+ deaths from COVID-19, versus the 4 deaths from Bengazi means that Hilary's shit STILL doesn't stink, while Trump has literally dragged this country into a septic tank of debt, health problems, and impending bankruptcy, served in a Metamucil smoothie of lies and never-trickles-down economics.

4. For the purposes of this scenario, Bitch Mcconnell is basically just a tiger getting fucked in the ass. I couldn't find anyone in the Tiger King cast that followed Joe Exotic blindly, to the point that their turtle-head was literally shoved up his leatherbound asshole. In fact, the entire Tiger King cast eventually turned on Joe, which was honestly my favorite part.

But Bitch Mcconnell is a hypocritical sycophant that does whatever Trump says. He just lays there, ignoring the 400+ bills on his desk. Like a tiger, getting fucked in the ass.

5. They both keep younger, more attractive partners hostage. Here's the thing about megalomanics like Trump and Exotic--somewhere deep inside, they actually hate themselves. Because they don't ever want to face the dumpster fires they call their personalities, they eschew self-reflection, turn outwards, and blame everyone on everyone else. They also go after younger, dumber, more attractive mates, and basically kidnap those bitches using meth, money, and green cards.

I would say #FreeMelania, but she seems to be doing just find redecorating tennis courts while the country starves and her husband bullies mass populations of tax payers. Maybe if she could open her eyes all the way she could see how hypocritical her #BeBest platform as first lady is, but if I was married to Trump, I would sew up every orifice I had, starting with my eyes. And subsist entirely on a diet of xanax lozenges, and novacaine body lotion.

So there you have it. Based on the scientific evidence I have conducted, Donald Trump and Joe Exotic are basically twinsies. Feel free to try and change my mind!

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