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  • Writer's pictureGary Adrian Randall

DIY Quarantine Haircuts for Homos

The COVID-19 Pandemic ravaging the globe has many homosexuals asking themselves: 'But what about my wig?'

I'll just say it, because, just like the mathematical equation: Obama >Trump = Common Sense, everybody knows it's true.

Homosexuals are vain.

Yes, we are aware that it comes from several factors, from zaddy issues, to being told from birth that our feelings are wrong and the world wants to glue our buttholes shut.

But the fact remains that a lot of gays equate their self-worth with their physical looks. So it's actually pretty hilarious to throw us all into lock-down, with nobody to keep us company besides our crippling self-esteem issues.

Yes, United States. You have taken, and then given, and now want to take our rights back as human beings. I get all that. But now you want to take away our access to hair care?

LOL. This is obviously satire. If you don't believe me, just ask my hair--which hasn't been touched by professional hands in years. That is not to say that professional hairstylists aren't artists. They deserve every bit of your business, and I have much respect for what they do.

That being said, I've cut my own hair for a decade probably.

1) Because it grows so fast I would go broke trying to keep a fresh fade, and 2) because I'm cheap AF and would rather spend my money on things I consider more important, like Mouthwash decanters, and 100+ feet of chandelier crystals.

Anydicks, I decided to make a video of my hair-cutting process, to help some fellow homos out.

Will my process work for everyone? Hell no. My hair is naturally thick, hasn't been washed in 4 years, and continues to grow faster than the wealth disparity in this country. It's hereditary, and unattainable. But if your hair is starting to look like Don King's butthole, what do you have to lose?

Should I try it anyway? Hell YES! I dare you to. WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT WE LOOK LIKE, we are on lock-down. In fact, I CHALLENGE my fellow homos to cut your own hair!

I would love to see the results, but more than that, it might teach you something about yourself. Fuck your hair up with some scissors. Share that shit all over social.

And maybe, just maybe you will realize that your self-worth shouldn't be tied to your hair anyway.

And right now, when everyone is living in the doldrums, maybe seeing a slightly out-of-shape homo with a jacked up shake-and-go wig is exactly what the world needs.

And speaking of slightly-out-of-shape homos with jacked up shake-and-go wigs, here is my first Youtube video DIY Quarantine Hair Cuts for Homos

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